Nope. I was the one who ended relationships. I see now I was also the one who never really showed up for relationships.
I only finally saw this recently … after my girlfriend broke up with me.
Ironically, I wrote this on Facebook just 2 weeks before our relationship ended:
“Sometimes the best a woman can do for a man is leave him.
Too many men will only wake up by experiencing the total unraveling of everything they hold dear (even if they won’t admit to holding anything dear).
If you make it easy for a man to love small, he’ll never learn to love any bigger.
It took strong women to pretty much make life hell for me to even begin rousing me from my own masculine slumber.
You might ask (especially if you’re a man): ‘Wake up to what?’
Wake up to what it really means to show up in Love.”
The weeks that followed our breakup were devastating.
Until the moment she left, I was a renowned relationship coach and blogger. I had just launched the “Love, Sex, Relationship Magic” program. I believed I had the knowledge and the commitment to make lifelong partnership happen with her. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I was certain of the outcome.
Yet, to my utter surprise, it ended and my world came undone.
Suddenly, I couldn’t sleep even 4 hours a night. I was overwhelmed daily by gut-wrenching pangs of despair and sadness. So much of what I previously thought was so important – work success, my creative voice, various personal freedoms – became entirely meaningless. All the worldly problems I was always trying to figure out and solve simply ceased to matter.
What did magically crystalize in my consciousness during this excruciating cleansing was clarity into the deepest yearning I’ve ever known: I realized I wanted more than anything to learn how to truly, fully love this woman.
Today, I’m excited to share that we’re back together and creating an entirely new experience.
As a result of these last few months, I’m learning the most profound lesson of my life:
No amount of knowledge or insight will ever be more valuable in relationship than simply learning how to stay in my heart.
When we were apart, I ached for her like a man aches for an amputated arm (I had phantom-girlfriend syndrome).
I soon realized that my longing for “her” was actually a projection of my profound desire to BE the massive love living inside my own authentic heart.
As an intellectual man trained by culture to emotionally disconnect, I have long struggled to connect with the massive love that insides my heart. Naturally, it followed that I also struggled to sustain connection with my intimate partners, too.
My head – the one on my shoulders – always got in the way of love.
I always wanted to be right, or at least understand why I wasn’t. When I couldn’t intellectually understand my partner’s pain, I shut down. My heart had already been closed to love, but then my mind closed to the idea of relationship altogether. I created many a mess this way.
I see now the true gift of intimate relationship reveals itself only when I’m willing to let everything else be less important than learning how to show up in love – including intellectual understanding and being right.
I see now that as I learn how to fully love this woman, I learn how to live consistently connected to my authentic heart.
For a smart man who knows lots of stuff and has had all kinds of material success – yet who has long felt something massive was missing in his life – learning how to consistently show up connected to heart, in relationship with my woman, is proving to be the most exquisite adventure of them all!
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